10 Consulting sentences translated to Human

I’m speaking consultanese all the time - it’s just the virus that goes with the job. There is nothing you can do about it, really – even if in the first weeks you think “boy, my colleagues are nice people, but what are they TALKING about?!”… give it a months, two max, and you’ll make the same impact on innocent bystanders, too.
Just to remind you – and to give those bystanders an opportunity to understand what their consultant says,

here’s 10 random consulting sentences, translated to human (with the occasional tongue in cheek):

1. “We’ll need to challenge the action title on this slide and sharpen the two-by-two.”
   We’ll need to critically look over the one-sentence title of this PowerPoint slide which should sum up the main message of the slide. Also, the two-by-two matrix still contains too much text / isn’t well defined enough, that needs to be taken care of, too.
2. “That’s a great idea, let’s put it on the parking lot!”
   Your idea might actually be great, but it doesn’t fit the scope (topic, time or both) of this meeting. Let’s write it down so that it doesn’t get lost but does not cause us to get off-target, either.
3. “The client’s CEO decided to have the steering committee on Monday.”
   Cancel your plans for the weekend, you’ll be working in the changes we discuss on Friday.
4. “As soon as I get the deck back from graphics, I’ll send it to you.”
   When our graphic designers finished formatting the PowerPoint presentation, I’ll send it to you.
5. “The VP will make sure that the project is continually aligned with the key stakeholders”
   Our Vice President (or sometimes: Partner) will discuss the project status with the people at the client who a) pay for the project and determine its direction or b) have the power to sink the project and thus have a say, too.
   
6. (on the phone) “Hello? Oh, hi, thanks for calling! I’m a bit busy right now, can I call you later? OK, great. Bye!”
   Hi Darling! I am so glad you called, I missed you all day! Listen, I am still at the office with colleagues and client employees in the room, so I can’t really talk right now. I know, I know, it is already 11pm… I’ll call you back as soon as I get to the hotel, I promise! Yeah, I love you too, sweetheart. Bye!
7. “Greg, I just wanted to check with you if you got my email regarding your input for the key deliverable that is coming up?”
   Hey, I know I can’t force you because I am just a consultant, but I need your input or at least a heads up on the email that I know for sure you got two days ago, because everyone else already replied. I have to put together the presentation for the next big meeting, and we’ll both look stupid if that doesn’t work out – so PLEASE take a minute to at least look at it!
   
8. “Let’s make sure that our arguments on this point are MECE.”
   Let’s make sure that our arguments on this point are Mutually Exclusive and Collectively Exhaustive – not overlapping and covering the whole range of options.
9. “Good morning! How was your weekend?”
   I woke up at 5am to take the first flight, then took an hour to get here. I have only had two coffees yet, and the first emails have started pouring in at 8am sharp. But that is none of your concern, and I am professional enough to not let you notice any of that. Instead, let’s go to the kitchen together, I’ll have a much-needed third coffee, and you tell me about the hiking trip you took.
10. “We have to leverage synergies ASAP to deliver on the PMI.”
    In the Post Merger Integration of these two companies, we have to find areas in which they currently overlap or complement each other to either save money or generate more revenue as soon as possible to make it a success.

What is your favourite consultanese buzzword-phrase? Tell us in the comments!